ROUNDUP

my favorite aunt (only four years older than me, so more like a big sis) once told me... "it seems like every time you try to put down roots, somebody comes along and sprays roundup!"
boy if that isnt the truth!
i have been kindof a runaway for as long as i can remember, so maybe some people just arent supposed to have roots? at least not in the usual sense of the word. maybe my roots are supposed to be srictly on a spiritual level?
so this is where i am today:
we have been staying with my dad for about a month now after finding out that our baby girl had an elevated lead level. we were hoping to move to dallas where my husband has a friend with some good connections in the racing industry (his lifelong dream). we are in a kind of limbo right now not really knowing which way to go. we could empty our bank account and pay deposits, etc. to rent a house here in louisiana until we get our metaphorical ducks in a row, we could empty our bank account moving to dallas and hope the job comes through, we could spend some time in new mexico with my inlaws while living in my sister-in-laws travel trailer, we could buy an old school bus from my dad, convert it to greasel, make it liveable, and take off without a set destination and just hope that god leads us to where we should be. there are actually any number of options, pretty much all of them involve emptying out the little money we do have from the lovely irs; but, hey its only money right?

well, we've come to it!

that metaphorical bridge, that is.

it's official!!!

kick up your heels! she's home again!

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!! HOORAY!!HOORAY!!

today is the day i will be going to the school and officially withdrawing my little girlie from public school!
it is actually really shocking to me the magnitude of fear and guilt i am feeling. i am so afraid that i cannot 'teach' her what she 'needs to know' (that should be said with an abe lincolnesque authoritative type voice). i knew since before this child's birth that she would be homeschooled, and after some fairly thorough research, i was elated to find out that 'unschooling' was actually something that real people really 'did'(or mayble 'undid')tehe!, and that it works out just fine, and even better than fine in many cases! i am not someone who believes in these ideas about doing things because 'thats just the way its done' (abe lincoln again).
i am not afraid to swim against the current, at least i didnt think i was.

but to be perfectly honest, after only a few months of forcing myself to conform to all these school rules, i am well shaken by the fear that my brilliant daughter will grow up nearly illiterate, with no idea of how to handle herself in the simplest of social situations.
this baffles the mind.
i KNOW that any supposed 'socialization' that takes place in a school setting is far from what any natural social setting would be. i KNOW that the school setting is a hindrance to real learning rather than a necessity for learning. i KNOW that my previously "un-educated" child excelled in all subjects when she entered the second grade, and i gradually witnessed her 'dumbing down' as she was in school being 'educated'. i KNOW that having been an attachment-parenting, co-sleeping, baby-wearing momma to this child; i understand her thoughts, feelings, learning styles and needs far better than anyone else ever could.
i KNOW that i am doing the right thing; yet the FEAR has set in.
still, i am taking this leap, FEAR can come along if it must. what FEAR doesnt yet know, is that i am taking FAITH along too!
(i hear the two of them dont make good companions.) so, i imagine, FEAR will eventually take his leave due to the crowd that follows FAITH- JOY, HOPE, LOVE, GROWTH.

little ol' me

so, it is becoming glaringly obvious that there are a few patterns developing with this blog already.
one, is that i am not very consistent or punctual; two is that one of the girls growing through these life lessons is apparently going to be me!

...and 7+ months later...

well, that was a noble attempt.
and here is another.
soooo much has happened in the last 7months that i will not even attempt to 'catch up'.
i will simply start from here.
i guess there is a life lesson in there somewhere as well.
perhaps i will figure it out by the time i am done?
so right here, right now, i am disappointed and a little embarrassed to say that my lovely unschooled 7yr old is now a somewhat happy, and extremely successful member of the local public school system.
gasp! i know. i dont love it, but it is something that needed to happen.
it just got to be too much for me to handle, between the illness and the pregnancy. long story, but i thought it was more kind to put her in school just so she could be out of the house and away from my struggles everyday. it got to be emotionally too hard on her. i could see it in her. and finally coming to the conclusion that the whole reason i have always felt so strongly about homeschooling is because i wanted what was best for my girl; i realized that what was best at one point in time, was no longer the best option. sometimes the circumstances in life call for a change in the gameplan. the goal is the same, the route has to change.
so two roads diverged in a wood, and i, i chose the one that was the best option for NOW. it may not be the best option forever, but for NOW it is.
well, i see a lesson developing...
we can only start from here; from where we are right NOW.
we can only choose the best possible option that is available to us right NOW.
we cannot live on yesterday, (or the past 7+ months), we must seize the HERE AND NOW.
carpe diem

in the beginning...

so this is the hard part for me. actuallly starting something. i created this blog almost a month ago, but still not a single posting. maybe this is a perfect example of what i like to call "perfectionist procrastination". you see, i have a feeling of responsibility about the very first entry being phenomenally engaging, and impactful, and really getting to the 'root' of what i am trying to accomplish here. however, after weeks of not accomplishing any blog progress whatsoever; i have resigned myself to just begin with something. and this, as it turns out, could be a great 'life lesson'.
my firm belief is that life lessons come most effectively from: yes, you guessed it- life. the things that are most firmly embedded into us, our values, and morals, and views about the world, and our place in that world are not formed by sitting in a classroom just desperately wanting to be like everyone else, to not stand out or let our light shine, but to blend into the background noise. nor are there any valuable longstanding lessons learned through reading boring textbooks, doing endless numbers of ridiculous worksheets, or memorizing endless seemingly disconnected facts and figures and names and dates. but life itself, by the very nature of it, provides us with all the lessons we really need to know, exactly when we need to know them.
for today, i have just learned that the possibility of getting off on the wrong foot is a far better option than never getting off the ground at all. i have smirked in the face of proper grammar, puncuation, and spelling with the intent of getting started.
and guess what....? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
this little piece wouldn't get any awards for writing achievement on any level, but that wasn't really my goal for today. so holding firm to setting and achieving my own goals, rather than conforming to the standards set forth, imposed or implied, by others; i have done completely and satisfactorily what i set out to do.
(the question now is "will i save it as a draft or go ahead and publish it as is?")
i think i will buck the tendency towards perfectionist procrastination and go right ahead and hit the publish button!