for at least a couple weeks now, i have been trying to figure out what my soon to be 9 year old wants to do for her birthday.
i mean i have been following her around, interupting her imaginary play, barging into the bathroom and cornering her in the tub, asking her what she wants to do for her birthday. and every time i ask, the answer is different.

we are 8+ hours away from all our relatives, but she wants to invite them all to come to her party.
she also wants to do a friend party with our friends from park day, which will be the day before her birthday, and she wants to have everyone she's ever met to come swimming at our place, and she wants to go to the horse/circus show, and to have a special dessert date with mommy and daddy at a fancy restaurant, and a slumber party, oh, and a kitten.

did i miss anything?

oh yes, and an ice cream bar with every flavor and possible topping ever invented.
did i mention it has been over 100 degrees here for about a week now?

anyway, i have myself tried to figure out a way to entice local circus performers, musicians, jugglers, flame spitters, and upright frogs in leotards, to come perform at an evening party in the park- where there would be twinkle lights and lanterns hanging from every tree, everyone would be dressed in mardi gras masquerade attire or jester suits. there would be guys in top hats riding giant unicycles, and mermaids swimming in the pond, and doing flips for us as the fireworks show lights up the night sky. there would be fountains flowing with delicious frosty beverages of every variety, and rabbits in velvet coats with brass buttons serving delicious and beautiful exotic hors d'oevres of every shape and color, all to the symphony of amazing joy inducing background music from the various musicians scattered throughout the party.

i truly cannot imagine where that child gets her flare for the dramatic!

so, now less than two weeks away, we really have no concrete plans and no clue as to what to do!

i have figured out that the only relatives who could possibly attend are my mom and my dad.
oh yes, and their significant others.

they have been divorced since i was ten years old, and haven't stopped fighting since.
i actually chose not to have a wedding partly because i didn't want them in the room together on our special day.
the thought of mediating a wedding cake fight about the wrongdoings of the last 20-30 years while having my wedding dress torn apart and a slew of people hauled off in squad cars was just not fitting in with my vision of a dream wedding!
but, i digress.

i need to figure out what to do to make my special sweet girl's birthday as special as she is to me!
any shared brilliance would be so very appreciated!

i need indoors, at least partly, like i said, it's REALLY hot.
i need fantasy and fun and friends and family and food and ice cream.
i need location.

i need more money!



Joys of motherhood

2 yr old playing peekaboo with cartoon faces on a plastic suitcase.
20 minutes of snuggling, singing rockabye baby, counting to three with eyes shut game, playing peekaboo. on bathroom floor.
smacking table to get lamp to come back on, turning around and getting surprised and screaming when it goes off again,
laughing, giggling, surprised with delight, getting angry, screaming "c'mon dammit", and finally getting it to come back on!
the concentration and focus , the intention of putting away the make up and jewelry, the frustration of the zipper getting stuck, hearing your children, truly absorbing what they are feeling, helping

one on one energy exchange, fully being present in your child's reality for a few moments,
children need true connection, there-ness, with-ness, exchange, eye contact, flow

yelling 'i not dingy', full out full volume emotional discharge, honesty, defense of one's self, selfness
young children are not selfish, they have 'selfness'
they believe in their right to have their needs/wants/desires met.

being 'in' the world of a child, remembering what it 'felt' like in a child's mind, your inner child, connecting to that place of childhood, the infinite existence of ourselves through our children, seeing your child as your younger self, believing that you are nurturing and caring for your inner self, if not that, then what? we are raising a piece of our own bodies, our own dna, our own programming, generations of genetic code, makeup, input, reactions we can love our inner child, nurture our own unmet childhood needs through loving and giving to our children what we missed as children

we each have a deep inner longing for the things that we innately knew were lacking from our own childhoods, that child in us can become complete through our expressions of love to our children,
neglecting our unmet needs does not heal them, when we acknowledge our empty spaces, we create the ability to fill them.
denying them attention in the light of day, and the birth of sound through identity, a name, a recognition, we are perpetuating their continuance through the next generation of ourselves.
we can be assured that denying ourselves those unmet needs, we are handing these same empty spaces down to our children.

open yourself, sit on the floor, imagine there is not limit to your day, there are no clocks, or appointments, or schedules, nobody needs anything, no meals to cook, no shopping or errands to run, no cleaning to do, laundry can wait, dishes can wait, enter fully the world of your child for a few minutes (at first), then practice increasing the amount of time that you can stay in that state of awareness.

children live fully in the now, before they know of time, or worry, or pseudo responsibility.
we as adults have to take classes to re-learn this perfectly natural capability that we are all born with.
we read books, take classes, attend seminars, and retreats, we buy gym memberships, and always seek someone else to show us, to teach us, HOW to live in the moment, the power of now, the secret,
but we must only be still fully, and long enough to realize that it was within us all along, we are by nature programmed to live in the now, and by society programmed to abandon it completely
we must only return to our own true inner nature to find that stillness, that sense of joy and wonder, that full out, complete, total being-ness, the true POWER that is in this exact moment, and that the secret need not be any secret.
it is within us.



they're so pretty, right?

how about now?

still wanna suck face?




who knew glow sticks could be so much fun?
and soooo pretty!!!